Jim's Search for Tranquility by Carol

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Blair looked at his watch in annoyance. He was still thirty minutes from the loft, not the schedule he'd hope to keep. A bad accident on the interstate and delayed him over an hour. He'd wanted to have more time to spend with Jim, especially after five years, but a longer visit would have to wait until tomorrow. 'Five years', he thought. 'Wow, who'd have thunk it would be so long?' After he left Cascade he'd spent almost a year traveling with Naomi. After realizing that her itinerant lifestyle wasn't for him he'd applied to a university on the east coast. He'd received his degree and taught there since his graduation. In that time his only contact with Cascade had been e-mails exchanged with Jim .And that was the kicker. Blair snorted in amusement. Jim, no longer a cop, instead an academic like himself. And the field, not criminology but psychology. Jim had his MA, was working on his PhD, and worked as a counselor. This from a man who'd bitched so much when he'd been forced to see the shrink. Still, if the tenor of his e-mail posts could be believed, he was happy, and didn't miss his former job too much. Finally Blair turned onto Prospect and was pleased to find a parking spot near 852. He noticed the truck, parked in its customary spot. He hadn't phoned in advance, at least Jim was home.

Blair wasn't surprised that the apartment door was opened before he had a chance to knock. Some things never changed. "Thought it was you, Blair. What a surprise!" Jim stared at Blair for a moment, obviously in shock, but then a big smile graced his face, and he pulled the smaller man into a fierce hug. Blair hugged back, delighted by his enthusiastic reception Soon they were seated on the couch, facing each other, and grinning at each other like idiots. "Can I get you anything, a beer?"

"Thanks, Jim." Jim walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "You wouldn't happen to have any of that light beer?", he called to Jim's back.

"I must be psychic. I just picked up a case of your favourite beer." Jim returned to the couch and handed Blair the bottle. "So, how long are you in town? Have you had a dinner? We could order in or go out."

Blair took a healthy swig of the beer. "Thanks, I was more thirsty than I thought. I'm just passing through, thought I'd look you up." Blair stood up. "Unfortunately I've got an appointment I just can't miss, and I've got to run. What's your schedule for tomorrow? I'm all yours after four."

Jim momentarily looked disappointed, but the smile returned to his face. "Sounds good to me. It will give us a chance to catch up." He rose, taking the empty bottle from Blair and setting it on the coffee table. "I'll walk you to the door. Oh, by the way, where are you staying tonight?"

Jim looked puzzled for a moment, then nodded. He took a key from the basket. "My last appointment is at three, in case I'm late, just let yourself in. Okay?" Blair took the offered key, and put it in his pocket. The two men hugged again, then Blair left.

Blair paced angrily around the loft, muttering to himself. He looked into his old bedroom, now Jim's office, and wasn't surprised at the equipment he found there. And Jim's behaviour; that too intense look, the lack of inflection in his speech, now made sense. He'd been shocked when Jim had first told him that he'd retired, but had been mollified with his assurances. What kind of friend did Jim think he was, not to tell him the real reason why he'd left the force. Blair heard the key in the door, and turned to face Jim.

"What's wrong? You look upset." Jim tossed his keys in the basket. "I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long."

"How could you?" Blair demanded. "You still call me your best friend, and you don't tell me. Didn't you think that I'd care?"

"Tell you what?" Blair tugged at his ear. "Oh, that." Jim turned away from Blair.

Blair forcefully turned Jim around to face him. "No, don't turn your back on me. It's rude. I ran into Simon today, I felt like a fool when he told me."

"I tried to get in touch with you at the time. When you finally surfaced six months had passed, I'd adjusted, gotten on with my life. You blew in and out yesterday. It's not like you wouldn't have figured it out. I didn't mean to keep you in the dark."

Blair dragged Jim to the couch and pushed him down. "Sit. I'm putting on a pot of coffee. And you're telling me the whole story." Jim didn't say anything, and only nodded his thanks when Blair handed him a mug of few minutes later. "What happened, Jim? And Simon already told me it was not accident."

"Shit, I knew it had to be something like that. Lousy guide I turned out to be."

"Blair, I don't blame you. I hadn't had problems in so long, there was no indication this would happen." Jim patted Blair's leg. "I really am okay. Really. Anyway, I did try to find you, I thought if I could just speak to you it would help, but you and Naomi had perfected the art of disappearing. The sensory spikes got worse, and I was getting more headaches than normal. I tried everything that you'd taught me, meditation and the like. The only thing that helped was getting away for a weekend, camping in the wilderness, cutting out all the sensory input I couldn't handle. I experimented, ran tests on myself. I could control everything but my hearing. Work became a torment, I had migraines almost continuously. I realized I had a choice, go back to Peru and go native, live in the wilderness and become a hermit, or stay in Cascade and try to make a life for myself. I like my creature comforts too much; hot water, fast food, a comfortable bed. I started turning down my hearing every evening. I immediately felt better, but the days were still difficult, and I was cutting myself off from everybody, just staying at home each night."

"Yes, I turned it off. I've been completely deaf for four and a half years. Don't cry Blair, I'm not lying to you. Yes, there are times I really hate not hearing, but most of the time life is good." Jim set down their mugs and grabbed Blair in a hug. "Blair, please."

Jim moved Blair's head up so that their eyes met. "I'm pretty good at lip-reading, Chief, and while my sight is excellent, I can't see what you're saying when you bury your face in my chest."

"Sorry, this whole thing just took me by surprise. If I hadn't left ... if I'd become your partner"

"It's not like I just decided one day to turn off my hearing. Give me some credit here, I did some preparation. I already knew some basic signing, so I enrolled in an advanced class to get up to speed. I applied and was accepted to the university. I must say though, I never expected to get into counseling. I was just taking courses out of interest, and psychology seemed as good a field as any. I really hadn't decided what kind of work to do, I knew my pensions would be adequate. It's not like I have any dependants. I also started learning how to speech read. Found out I have a real talent for it. Most people can clue into thirty to forty percent, I test at over fifty percent. Mumblers and moustaches present difficulties, though."

"Speech reading is more accurate. I don't just look at your lips, I get clues from your facial expressions and your body postures."

"No, I just retired. It's not like I wanted doctors examining me, since there's nothing physically wrong with my ears."

"I'd forgotten that you know A.S.L. No, unless it's a situation where I need an interpreter I just find it distracting. I think I'm doing pretty well with you." Jim looked questioningly at Blair.

"Good. Blair, I know you've got more questions, but right now I'd just like to shower and change. Then we can decide about dinner. Okay?"

"Thanks, Jim." Blair waved at the array of Chinese food takeout boxes that littered the coffee table. "You've relaxed the house rules since I've been gone."

"I had an interview at the university. They offered, and I accepted a position starting next semester. It seems I'll be moving back to Cascade."

"Edward's gone, as are most of her supporters. I made peace with the university before I left Cascade. If you remember, I even forced them to make a public apology." Blair had a pensive expression on his face. "I've missed you Jim, it will be good to move back."

"I missed you too, Chief. I'm pleased but surprised. Your last e-mail, must have been a month ago, it sounded like you were getting serious with that girl."

"We broke up. How about you? Your love life as pathetic as mine? I'll take your silence for a yes." Both men grinned at each other. Then Blair got a serious look on his face. "Do you miss it, Jim?"

"Working as a cop? Not as much as I thought I would. I still keep in touch with the guys, barbecues, the card games, Thanksgiving dinner with Simon and Darryl. Wait until you see him. He's taller than Simon now."

"And I'm keeping up my contact with the police department. I've run seminars at the department and also at the academy. It's important than police officers know how to interact with deaf people. I teach them some basic sign language, and give them some tips. Like not shining their flashlights in a deaf persons eyes."

"Truthfully, there's a lot of things I enjoy more now. I can watch a fireworks display or go Christmas shopping in a crowded mall. It seemed once I no longer had to worry about that sense I could better control the others. It has been difficult at times, though. I have to admit that. And I also feel like I'm always missing important parts of conversations. Going to parties is difficult."

"Hate to tell you this, man, but it's not like you were ever a party animal. Jim, I could probably help you. Now that I'm going to be back in Cascade I could work with you on your control."

"Okay, just remember, whenever, I'm here for you." Blair looked intently at the bigger man. "Jim. five years we started a relationship. The timing was awful; Sid and the diss mess, you were shot, and I decided not to go to the academy."

"I'd like to try again. Maybe we can go out on a date, but take things slowly this time."

"There's another thing. Now that I'll be getting my own place. Can I have your stereo?"

"Typical Chief. Taking advantage of your crippled friend. No, I'm not mad. Truth is I don't know why I didn't get rid of it years ago. It's yours. A housewarming gift."

Jim caught Blair eying the television. "No, that's off limits. I subscribe to closed captioning, and I enjoy the games even more now without the inane commentary."

"Can't blame a guy for asking. Okay, I've had a full day. I'll help you clean up, then go back to the motel. Can you meet me for breakfast? My flight doesn't leave until noon."

"Yeah, I arranged to fly out of the Cascade airport, and I'll return the rental car here."

Blair left a few minutes later. Jim turned on the television, but didn't really pay it much attention. He spoke aloud, unable to hear his own voice. "I'd love to hear again, Chief. I'd love to be able to hear your voice. But how can I trust you not to leave me again? No way I can go through that another time."

Jim clicked off the television and walked over to the dining room table where Blair was seated, marking exams. He nuzzled the back of Blair's neck, and, holding Blair's shoulders so he wouldn't turn around, began speaking. "I bought you a present, love. I know it's not your birthday." Jim laughed at Blair's attempts to sign with a large body pressed against his arms. "It's hard for me to tell you just how much you mean to me." Jim thrust an unwrapped jeweler's box in Blair's hand, then abruptly walked over to the balcony windows and stared out at the city. A few seconds later a hand grasped his, as Blair stood silently beside him. "If it doesn't fit, it can be sized properly."

"It's perfect, Jim. Thank-you." Blair looked at the plain gold band he had just put on his finger. "It means what I think it does?"

"Yes, my love for you, my commitment to you. You came back to Cascade two years ago, and moved back here six months later. I just wanted to show you, to show everyone, just how important you are to me."

"There's a matching band on hold at the jewelery store. We can go together to pick it up."

Jim dragged Blair over to the couch and they both sat down. Several minutes were spent hugging and kissing each other before Jim lifted his head. "There's something else, Blair. Something you offered to do for me when I first told you about my hearing. I wasn't ready then, I must admit I wasn't ready to trust you not to leave me again. Those doubts are gone now, love. I want you to help me recover my hearing."

"I thought you'd be pleased. You never say anything, but I know it must be a nuisance. I drag you to my doctors' appointments, we can't go to concerts together , I ..."

"Have you ever heard me complain?" Jim shook his head. "I love you, Jim And when you need my help, it's my pleasure. Never think that you're a burden to me. Okay?"

"And it's not like you don't do special things for me. When's the last time I ran a load of laundry, for example?"

"You can never remember to separate the coloured items from the whites. I just got tired of pink socks." They grinned at each other. "I'd like to hear your voice again, but I'm scared."

"I know you won't leave me, but what if something happens to you. ... If I lose control again. ... I can't go through that again."

"I can't make you any promises, you know that. When you're ready, when it's what you want more than anything, I'll be here to help you."

Blair unlocked the door and entered the loft He was puzzled when he wasn't immediately greeted by Jim. Maybe he'd stepped out for a minute, or was taking a nap, he thought. He glanced into Jim's office, and saw him sitting at his desk, in front of the computer. Blair quickly walked to his side, ready to make a smart comment. Then he noticed the rigid posture, and the unblinking eyes, staring at nothing. "Oh no, Jim. What happened? It's been years since you've zoned." Blair crouched down and took hold of Jim's limp hands. Automatically he started speaking in his 'guide' voice. "C'mon back, Jim. Listen to my voice. Shit. Talking to a deaf man who can't see. Lot's of brains here, Blair. I wonder what you zoned on, maybe a flashing graphic on a site." He noticed the dried tears on Jim's face. "Something upset you, that's for sure. Let's see. You can't hear or see, that leaves touch, taste, and smell." Blair leaned over and started kissing the unresponsive man. "Smell me, taste me, feel me. C'mon back to me, big guy. You're starting to worry me here."

Gradually Jim started stirring. He blinked, focused his eyes, and grabbed Blair's arms tightly. He began speaking in a barely audible whisper. "Bair, please Bair. Help me, Chief."

For the first time Blair realized the tremendous effort it took Jim to speak clearly. "Jim, we'll talk about why you zoned later. Right now I want you to drink a glass of water, then you're going to lie down and go to sleep." Jim nodded, and was soon lying on the couch, his shoes off, and covered with a blanket.

"Read the e-mail on the screen. Okay?" Jim still whispered, but spoke more distinctly. Blair nodded in agreement, but sat with Jim until he dozed off.

Two hours later Jim woke up and called Blair's name. Immediately Blair was at his side, helping the groggy man sit up. "You okay? Do you want a drink or something to eat?"

"No, I'm fine. Thanks, Blair." Jim shook his head ruefully. "I'd forgotten how disoriented and tired one of those zones makes me." He looked intently at Blair. "You will do it now, won't you, Chief?"

"Of course I will, Jim. It's just not as urgent as you seem to think it is." Jim shook his head. "Let me explain. I'll tell you just what I've been up to while you've been sleeping. First, though, I understand why you're so frightened, but I can't figure out what you zoned on."

"I read that e-mail and I was so scared. I was just overwhelmed, everything was out of control. The next thing I remember was you French kissing me."

"For now. I read the e-mail from your father. He's sorry, by the way. He had no idea that you'd react that way. Then I spoke to his doctor, explained the situation. He's agreed to examine you tomorrow. Okay?"

"Of course, Jim. The doctor was very reassuring about your situation. Sure, your father's been diagnosed with glaucoma, but he just seems to have lost a bit of night vision, and he can be treated with drops. While glaucoma can be familial, you're still fairly young. He'll measure the pressure in your eyes, and then have you come in for yearly examinations. You're not going blind, Jim. You don't have to worry."

"I can't help it. The idea of being deaf and blind just totally scares me. I was so stupid. I should have tried harder to find you. I shouldn't have ..."

"Jim. Stop that. You did what you thought best at the time. Sometimes I'm even glad that you did it."

"It seemed you had a death wish or something. You took crazy chances, put yourself in the line of fire. If you'd continued being a cop I don't think you'd be alive now."

"I know. Also, you're in better shape now then you were ten years ago. Your blood pressure is lower, you don't suffer from migraines, and you haven't had to recover from a bullet wound or other injury in ages."

"Five. He's fitting you in at the end of his day. We might have to wait awhile, though."

"Jim, don't cry. Jim, I didn't say 'no'. I just don't want to rush it." Blair took the trembling man in his arms, trying to comfort and reassure him with kisses and tender pats on his back."

"Suddenly you'd be hearing all the noises of the city. Even with my help you'd have a hell of a time controlling all that input. Sirens, cars, even the humming sound of the refrigerator. You'd be overwhelmed"

"You're probably right. So, what's the plan? I'm presuming you do have a plan." Jim had calmed down, and was even able to smile.

"Yes, I've got a plan. We both clear up our schedules. Then we tell everyone we're going out of town, and you'll be having surgery that hopefully will cure your deafness. In fact, we'll be camping for two weeks. The sensory impact of abruptly regaining your hearing will be lessened in the wilderness. I think in those two weeks you can regain enough control that returning to the city shouldn't be too difficult. Jim, why are you crying again?"

"What if you can't turn on the switch? What if through illness or accident you also lose your sight?" Jim nodded. "Jim, you're one of the strongest people I know, plus you're a survivor. And no matter what happens, I'm going to be right beside you. A month ago we started wearing wedding rings. I take what they mean very seriously. You're my beloved. Forever. I'm here for you forever."

"Forever. I'm yours, Blair too. Yours forever, my love. I'm still tired. Let 's go upstairs. We can eat dinner later." Jim started to walk up the stairs, not looking at Blair to see his response, knowing that Blair would be following him to their bed.

Notes: At the beginning of the story Jim is no longer a cop because of a handicap, but there is a happy ending. Also, I have no medical background.